The Misadventures of Bartimaeus and Ed
by Ezni the Confusional
Summary: After the third book, Bartimaeus lived a quiet life with occasional summons from Kitty. Unfortunately, that all changes when Kitty sends word of his name to someone from Amestris. Will actually take place in Future Hogwarts. BTFMAHP. Lots of spoilers.
1. Caduceus Part One

Warning. Spoilers!

I do not own The Bartimaeus Trilogy

Summary: After Nathaniel died, Bartimaeus found himself living the quiet life with occasional summons from Kitty. This all changes when Kitty finds the Caduceus and accidentally lets Bartimaeus's name slip to someone from Amestris.

Expect a lot of OOC and possibly slip ups from not bothering to get into every single detail in every book/manga.(It won't be anything too bad...hopefully)

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><p>The Caduceus: Part One<p>

_If the grimoire I found is the right one than I should be able to activate the artifact, _Kitty thought. After months of research and excavating, she had finally found the Caduceus. It was a large worn out staff that cold have passed for an ugly stick. The only thing special about it was the engravings of a pair snake and a big bumpy lump on the top. On closer inspection, you could see the marks of folded wings.

Kitty had begun to chant the ancient summoning already burned into her skull. She spoke a little above a whisper, afraid that the ancient temple would collapse if her voice was too loud. After ten minutes, she had implemented the directions from the grimoire word for word. Nothing happened.

_Maybe I needed to have the book with me? But that would have been impossible since it would have crumbled with a touch. If it wasn't for Agatha's special ability, we wouldn't have known what was in there. _She felt a pang of loneliness from being separated from the rest of the Resistance. Most of the information had rough spots and she did not want to endanger group members on something that might be there. The more educated she became about magic, the more group members she reeled in. It had taken a few years but now she a had a little bit under of 100 people! This time she made sure no one would betray them by making them swear under a oath for initiation. If broken, Kitty's watchful djinn Rudesind was allowed to eat them. Rudesind is a newbie djinn who willingly joined the group. It did seem a bit cruel but Kitty was no longer the naïve 13 year old before. Now a 23 year old jaded Kitty was the leader.

Her attention was drawn back to the staff when she heard a loud crack. _Dammit. Did I just break it?_ The staff's wings had opened and it flapped to the middle of the pentagram. The unveiled gold sphere began spinning and the staff morphed into a brilliant gold. Only one snake was active though.

" Why isn't the other snake awake?" Kitty asked.

" You only called for one Master." It said.

Sensing her displeasure, it patiently added, " The other snake allows messages between the dead as well as other minor places. I allow speech between another world."

_I'm assuming it means the Other Place… So I can talk with Bartimaeus as well as other djinn?_ Kitty had not summoned Bartimaeus for 6 years since Nathaniel died. She had thought that Bartimaeus had died too. One drunken night, she summoned him. Imagine her surprise when she woke up in the morning and found Edward Cullen poking her with a stick.(1) Still, she rarely summoned him after. She respected his wishes to stay in the Other Place. Rudesind was taught how to use Ptolemy's Gate so there was someone else to take her to the Other Place.(2)

" How do I use this? And I won't have any tricks." Kitty said while pulling out a silver dagger.

The snake sighed and Kitty made it repeat the directions 3 times with different wording. Not because she couldn't remember but because she wanted to make sure that the Marid wasn't trying to mislead her. Apparently it was supposed to work like telepathy and that the staff would not be usable until some type of message was sent back. No mater what language it was sent in you could still comprehend it. It was able to send "packages" but only small ones. It didn't help that the other snake was asleep. She inwardly smiled at all the possible uses for this artifact.

_Now for a test run…Rudesind might not be at the Other Place but I can expect Bartimaeus to be there._ Kitty expertly chanted the strange languages to initiate the message. The beginning was the same as a summoning

"Bartimaeus of Uruk, Rekhyt of Alexandria, Necho of Jerusalem, Sakhr Al-Jinni, N'Gorso the Mighty, Wakonda of the Algonquin, the Serpent of Silver Plumes. Errr… I found the staff of Caduceus. I know you hate being disturbed from the Other Place but I just wanted to see if this works. To reply, formally say my different names as best you can and then say your message. Don't you dare ignore either. See ya."

To Kitty's surprise, an old strange tongue replied. It was a mixture of different European languages but the roots were Greek. The strange man had said "Strange woman from the Other world. Thank you for the message. It is much appreciated."

_What did I just do? _Kitty had a sinking feeling in her stomach. She knew she had just screwed up big time. She turned her attention to the staff but it was back into it's hibernation state. Putting it in her knapsack, she scampered above ground to summon Bartimaeus.

To her relief, he just popped up as usual.

"Did you get my message?"

"What message?" The familiar Greek Egyptian yawned in boredom. He noticed he was surround by ancient ruins.

"I just tried using the staff of Caduceus. I sent a message to you but I think someone else must have gotten it."

"Just when everyone is convinced I'm dead except you, some weird guy suddenly catches word of me! Kitty, you'll be the death of me."

"Don't worry. He's from another world….?"

-Silence-

"H-He probably doesn't know how to summon djinn. They probably don't even exist in their world." For a second, Kitty thought Bartimaeus was going to eat her. Then he relaxed.

He sighed exasperatingly. "Just take me back woman. And don't include me in your artifact experimenting!"

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><p>Please R &amp; R and all that Jazz<p> 


	2. Caduceus Part Two

I was so surprised to get a review so quickly! Thank you Katargeo Em! Just so you know, I am a lady. :) In reply to your comment, I've always wanted a story like this too but I got sick of waiting and I felt that the Bartimaeus Trilogy needed more stories anyways. I will write this to the best of my abilities but this is me first fanfic so it isn't going to be uber spectacular. I'm just getting the ropes of this thing.

Anyways, I forgot to say stuff like I don't own any of the BT characters or FMA characters. I do own Sindri Sosigenes the OC though. What a fun looking name!

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><p>The Caduceus: Part Two<p>

Sindri Sosigenes was no longer the young springy leader of his ethnic tribe. The years of disputes between Creta and its citizens had taken its toll on him. Sindri was actually a little grateful that the Cretas government had to deal with the border problems. It took a load of pressure off him. Yet, he looked at his tribe around him and worried for the future. The population of his people had been waning and the Government Officials knew. Everyday they came to pester us with giving up "the Old Ways" and ever since Sindri's son Darius had chucked a rock at a soldier, the meetings were becoming more stressed and violent.

It was then something amazing happened. His Caduceus staff began to come to life. It was magnificent, floating there in the center of his room. He quickly closed up the curtains and locked up the door. One snake stretched and writhed on the staff, as if waking up from a deep slumber. It looked straight at Sindri gave a serpentine smirk.

"I have a message for you. Do you accept?" It said, slow and clear.

Sindri's mind reeled. It must be from the other side, he thought. His people were believers of the older Gods that were quite similar to Greek Gods. The staff of Caduceus was an important heirloom in the family but he simply had thought it as just symbolic meaning, not the actual staff. Maybe this is the answers to my worries Sindri hopefully thought.

The message conveyed really made no sense. And not in the way that Oracles present prophecies either. The beginnings of the woman's sayings seemed like a ritual. Sindri carefully wrote down everything the best he could. This Bartimaeus sounded very powerful and he was from the Other Place. In the end, Sindri had decided that he should have a talk with this Bartimaeus but the only question was how?

The snake heard the man's musing and mischievously bit his head. Its eyes glinted with amusement as Sindri jumped around panicking.

"Worry not, for my poison is not deadly to humans. I couldn't help but hear of your troubles and I just happened to know of how to summon Bartimaeus."

Sindri eyed the reptilian. "What do you want?"

"My, my… Don't you catch on fast! Are you perhaps an alchemist?"

"I've dabbled." His tribe did not have a lot of money so he learned alchemy for the sake of repairing items and making homes, clothes, furniture and all the like.

"My request is fairly simple. Just keep my existence a secret. Let them treat me like a useless heirloom. Don't get me wrong, I still want to be treated with care but frankly I hate being awakened, especially when that other dunderhead marid is able to sleep."

"What's a marid?"

The snake yawned. "Just give me a pencil. I have a limit of 3 hours for a message to be sent back so I'll need to cram as much magician mumbo jumbo in your head."(1)

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><p><em>I suppose I should thank Mysterious Girl X for helping me<em>. Sindri was not sure of what to say when the snake asked if he wanted to convey a message at all. He left it as, "Strange woman from the Other world. Thank you for the message. It is much appreciated."

You would expect that a snake would have difficulty using a pencil but it seemed the marid wasn't affected by it. The snake said nothing about the summoning but the instructions it wrote were clear and very descriptive. Sindri knew that the snake was keeping a lot from him though the last line that said "The djinni will try to kill you so be cautious at all times." He didn't even know what a djinni is. The language of the ritual could be spoken in his language as long as the pentagrams were drawn correctly and if he didn't fumble with his words.

He told his wife and kids that his automail hand was hurting so he was going to stay in his room all day. When he was younger, he was thought to be in a conspiracy against the government and lost his hand in the torturing. The state alchemist(2) who tortured him was later on killed by Scar. He always offered the God of Metal something when he gets his automail adjusted but truthfully, he didn't feel very grateful for the metal extremity.

When he was sure everyone was playing outside with the others, he began his preparations. _First, I am going to need a lot of alchemy circles to protect myself._ He carefully drew the circles on the walls and extra areas on the floor that he didn't need for the pentagrams. The pentagrams were simple enough to make but it was really the talking part of the summoning that gave Sindri knots in his stomach.

Once he got the words flowing, it was easier but he maintained a very slow rhythm. His gravelly voice filled the empty house. His whole body stiffened when he reached the last word and waited. He faintly smelled the scent of cinnamon and noticed a tanned woman wearing brown in front of him. He frowned, discontent that he missed the arrival by just a blink. The woman had very short brown hair and hoop earrings. Her mini dress was tight and polka dotted. Unfortunately for Bartimaeus, Sindri was not swayed by the sexy persona. Sindri also hates the smell of cinnamon.

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><p>Bartimaeus's POV<p>

I surveyed the room on all planes. Circles with scribbles were everywhere that was somewhat familiar. The man was a regular human. His scruffy foreign attire and messy hair looked nothing of the "modern" magicians that insisted on wearing gloomy black robes that looked extremely hot and heavy. I bet the color is just to hide all the sweat marks from the viewing public. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. The room contained the muffled presence of one… no two marids. Strange. I swear it feels exactly like the marids from the staff Kitty had. From what I see, this means two main options. First option: This man stole Kitty's staff and saw her summon me. The second option, which I really hope doesn't turn to this is… This is the man who received the message from the other world. It does explain why it took longer for me to arrive. How did he learn to summon me?

The air turned stale and the once bubbly woman looked angular and icy.

"Bartimaeus, at your service," The woman mockingly curtsied.

"I order you to take be the bodyguard of my tribe. You cannot hurt anyone(he specifically said all the names) or me."

The wording was rather vague enough for me to find loopholes. It was obvious that this old chum knew nothing about djinn. His language was mixture of languages and using my superior intellect, I could speak it perfectly.

"And who are you exactly?"

"You are to address me as Master." Hey, it was worth a shot.

"Ugh. Kinky much. When will I be able to leave?"

"Maybe in a year or so."

"WHOA WHOA Whoa whoa. Whoa. I'll practically be dead by the time that happens!"

"Well that's just too bad isn't it?" 'Master' didn't believe me. I haven't had human in a while. Let's see what this guy can do.

"I'd like to see you make me do it."

To my amazement. _He went out of his circle._ I made my mouth bigger with sharp teeth and lunged for him. Blue lightning erupted from the wall and a spike came towards me. I easily dodged it and aimed for his arm. The blue lightning part I found strange but it must have been this world's magic. Or something. Anyways, I wasn't planning to stay long enough to find out. I smiled as his hand was ripped from the wrist. The sound of bones crunching, blood crushing and clanking. Wait, CLANKING?

By then, it was too late. I had swallowed metal. Not just any metal but iron. Out of all things to make a fake hand out of why would you choose metal! It rusts, it's heavy. It's loud and obvious. Not to mention it would be difficult to make and no doubt expensive. I just don't get humans sometimes.

My vision was distorting and I really needed to get that hand out of my stomach. The blood fountain spewing from "Master's" arm wasn't helping either. The question was, to kill 'Master' and be sent back to the Other Place or to throw up the hand. It was then we were discovered. Me, throwing up bucketfuls of bile while 'Master' was trying to staunch his blood flow.

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><p>I thought this last part was hilarious! Yes. Cruel sense of humor but it was fun to write. I just noticed I named a djinni "Rudesind" and then another character "Sindri". I guess I like names with Sind. I meant to give him a greek name but then I gave him a norse one and it just kind of stuck to me.<p>

(1)Time is going to be kind of messed up in here. Kitty got the message like 10 minutes after asking but that was three hours in Creta because the FMA world is slower/ at a time earlier than BT. There's nothing that's going to be exact about the time stream though.

(2) Sindri and his tribe live really close to the border between Cretas and Amestris so he kind of just got caught in between. The state alchemist that was killed by Scar is not supposed to be anyone specific from the manga or anime of FMA.

Please tell me if I have made any mistakes and R&R!


	3. Welcome to TopsyTurvydom

Sorry for the lateness. This chap was somewhat difficult to write.

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><p>Welcome to Topsy-Turvydom<p>

The door banged open, chucking splinters everywhere.

"Come up with your hands in the air!" commanded the soldier.

Sindri's arms were already up to prevent loss of blood.(1) Bartimaeus replied by belching Sindri's automail hand at the very bemused soldier's face. The poor soldier was taken out instantly. Sindri took this opportunity to make a run for it. He grabbed his pack and fled the scene. The pack contained everything he needed since he predicted something like this would happen.

He met Darius at the back door.

"Dad, the village is being raided!"

"What! Why?"

"The border was changed without our knowing! We're officially illegal immigrants of Ames- What the hell happened to your hand!"

"That's not our priority right now! We need to round up the others as quick as we can and retreat to the safe house like planned. We can't stay there for long but I have a friend who will take us to Xing."

"To Xing! We'll have to cross the Desert for that and…" The glint in his father's eyes stopped his whining. "I'll fetch Alexis to tend to your wounds."

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><p>Bartimaeus on the other hand, was recuperating. He used up some of his essence to revert to something smaller and hastily chose the persona of a young light skinned girl with freckles and blond hair. He could easily pass as one of the people from the summoner's tribe though he wasn't sure if that was the wisest thing to do. The girl calmly strolled out of the house, only to be grabbed and handcuffed by a soldier in blue.<p>

Throughout the whole drive, the girl kept screaming "Where is my father!" over and over. She looked no more than seven but no one in the car understood her. In the interrogation room she seemed to have calmed down. Still, she refused to talk until the translator told her that her father had been caught. The interrogator hadn't even asked any real questions until the guards rushed him.

"Chief, Sindri Sosigenes has killed the guard holding him and he's on his way here!" Disgruntled guard Number One was slammed out of the way by a knee kick into the wall. Guard Number Two shot at him to no avail. The prisoner grabbed the guards hair and smashed his head against the wall.

The Chief, stricken with fear, grabbed the girl and pointed a gun to her head.

"Don't come over here or I'll shoot your daughter!" He meekly said.

"Last time I checked, I had no daughters."

"Last time I checked, your hand was cut off again. Actually _bit_ off is more the correct term. Right, _Daddy?_" The girl said, more than a bit peeved. The man in front of her was not Sindri Sosigenes. One thing, he had both real hands. No prosthetics. The imposter did know Sindri enough to know he only had sons. Bartimaeus could see the killing intent loud and clear on the first plane.(2) It was loud, barely concealed, and noisy. He decided to show some of his. The imposter's face changed for a few moments. He froze. Then slowly smiled.

"This is gonna be fun!"

Bartimaeus transformed into a boa constrictor and proceeded to strangle Envy. The Chief and translator were terrified. Using basic alchemy, they made a hole in the wall and wisely skedaddled out of there. _I've been chocking him for over 5 minutes! Why isn't he dead?_ Bartimaeus thought. Envy reverted to his accustomed palm tree form and was able to slip through the death grip. Then he grabbed the boa near the middle and began to pull. Panicking, Bartimaeus cast Void(3) and Envy was sucked into who-knows-where.

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><p>Bartimaeus's POV<p>

Shit. I just killed the only lead I had on that Sindri guy. As if adding to his problems, some important looking pirate guy from the military showed up.

"Envy, may I inquire as to why your form is partially ripped snake?" scoffed the patch-eyed man.

"Er…."

"Look at what that Fullmetal brat dwindled us to. But soon… He _will_ make the philosopher's stone and then we'll be free to slaughter him as we please. He'll see what it's like to mess with Pride!"

I'm so confused.

"Get out of that feeble disguise! Go to Central from train and come to abandoned warehouse 61. You've been there before so you don't need any directions."

I've haven't even been to this world for 24 hours! How the hell am I supposed to get there? Still, I changed into a human form I didn't plan to use for a long time. It should be safe to use in this world though.

"What was the point of me disguising myself as that Sosigene guy?"

"Oh. I just needed a uproar in Creta so Amestris could get the upper hand in the war. I'll just tell the Cretans that a mass murderer is on the loose in their territory and that he's got conspirators, But really. It's so troublesome being the Fuhrer sometimes."

This guy is the Fuhrer? I pretended to know what he was talking about. "So you sent me to be errand boy. How do you know he's not dead?" I disdainfully said.

"I know exactly where he is and what he's doing. Anyways, I have to go. Here's your ration of red stones." Seeing as my last plan to threaten someone for Sosigene's location didn't work, I decided to go with flow and strike when the time was right. But… What the heck are red stones? 'Pride'(if that was really his name) sensed my reluctance to take it.

"What's wrong? You've been saying how you've been running low for a while and here I personally come to deliver this to you. Are you hiding something from me?" Pride asked threateningly. "Just remember that my eyes see all Envy…" With that, he left through the hole in the wall.

The ticket was scheduled for tomorrow morning and I was far from the station. It's not as if I have to sleep anyways. I grumpily began to walk to the train station.

I had arrived barely on time when an officer stopped me. I was already grumpy enough

"I'm sorry sir but only Amestris citizens are allowed on this train. I'm not even sure of how you got this ticket…O-oh. I'm sorry for disrupting your ride. I didn't see the F-fuhrer's seal."

I chose a discreet corner and stared out the window. At first, I didn't care about who sat next to me. Then I felt the presence of iron near me. The lady sitting next to me had a metal prosthetic leg. I guess it was normal for people in this world to have metal prosthetics. The close proximity made me uneasy and after she got off, I gave a death glare to anyone who wanted to sit in my compartment. In my free time, I eavesdropped on the compartment behind me. Most of it was idle talk without much meaning.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP?"

Ow. I guess that's what I get for eavesdropping. Angry stomps were heading toward my compartment. With a violent slide of the door, a blond shorty plopped onto the seat across from me. His clothes were odd, even in this world. It was summertime yet he wore leather pants, a red jacket, and gloves. His boots were large and clunky with red soles. The long hair also made him look like a girl. I inwardly hissed at the silver watch attached to his belt. The thing that left the largest impression on me was his eyes. They were gold like Ptomely's(3) but burned in a different way.

"Ahem." I politely intervened the teen's time of self-loathing.

"Was I bothering you? Sorry," and once again was he lying down with a leather booklet splayed across his face. To others, he would look like he was just sleeping but through a djinn's eyes, the compartment was practically suffocating with despair and worry.

Just as I was about to ask him to leave, the train stopped.

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><p>Ed's POV<p>

Just when I think things were finally going my way after Dante and most of the homunculi were killed, Al gets kidnapped. I should've known that "King Bradley" wasn't going down without a fight. That son of a bitch Envy is probably with him too.

In the hustle and bustle of the train station, I could still hear the Hawkeye say, "Doesn't Ed seem a little more high-strung?"

"He seemed even shorter than usual with his hunkered down shoulders."

Does everything Colonel Bastard have to say about me have to do with my height? Must. Restrain. Outburst. For. AL. They already suspected something was strange.

Now where was I supposed to go again? I pulled out the small sheet with the directions. On the top in neat writing was 'Warehouse 61.' It was close enough to the station to walk but the route was difficult to follow. After half an hour of getting lost, I started to have suspicions of being followed. To test out my theory, I abruptly ran to the right when I reached an intersection. I heard a clack from above. Seems the culprit is on the roof. With a subtle clap, I sent the whole building down.

Under the dust cloud, I could see a boy with dark brown hair. He was about the same age as me and wore a black robe. I feel like I saw his face somewhere… On the train! He was the grump I sat across from when I moved compartments. But why is he following me? I can only conclude that he's most likely..

"Envy! What did you do to my little brother?" I seethed.

"Oh. So that's the surprise Pride had for me," he blandly said.

"Don't tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"Then I'll shout it. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS."

"Now your just pissing me off." I clapped my hands and made my usual blade out of my automail. Though it was slight, I could see Envy's expression change for a moment but it was so quick I wasn't sure. Something was definitely off though.

"Tsk tsk tsk. Bros before foes, right? Who knows what Prides doing with him right now. Lately, he's been missing a few screws. He might just decide to kill your brother now. Besides, the warehouse is right in front of you."

Seriously? I glanced behind the collapsed building and son of a gun, there the building was. I'll deal with Envy later. Strangely enough, he didn't even attempt to kill me once.

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><p>(1) I wanted to do a scene where the soldier tried to handcuff Sindri who, at the moment, was missing his wrist but decided not to<p>

(2)The planes are going to be difficult to write about but I wanted to say that the Hommunculi in the FMA world cannot see different planes.

(3) The hardest part about BT fics is remembering the physical descriptions of Nathaniel and Ptolemy. Eyecolor especially. I saw an animated thing with Ptolemy with gold eyes so I just used gold eyes.


	4. Verisatum

The Effects of Veritaserum

Bartimaeus's POV

This world unsettles me. I finally realized why the circles in the room I was summoned in looked so familiar. They're circles of alchemy. Djinn are summoned with pentagrams but it's a lot more complicated than that. The first summoning circles only brought the djinn out without any protection against them. Magicians who studied alchemy worked on making the summoning circles more safe and complete. It wasn't as if they could actual use alchemy though. But apparently in this world, you can. I hate it. The alchemical reactions are flashy and pretty but it's especially dangerous to djinn. Through my eyes, I can tell that the blue lightning is a very pure form of Earth energy. It's not as lethal as a Golem since it's energy but I would have a fair amount of damage if I ever touched it.

I saw that sheet of directions to Warehouse 61 so I followed the blonde. When I saw the Warehouse, I let my guard down a little and ended up under a pile of rubble. I'm not sure how he did it but I could have easily avoided it. The teen had sharper senses than I thought he would have. Then, he made his metal prosthetic arm into a knife thing. How is it even possible to use and move a metal arm like your own limbs!

The Warehouse was dark. Only the windows near the ceiling allowed any of the morning sun in. I could see a huge alchemy circle on the ground though. I quietly spat on one of the fine black lines and rubbed it with the sole of my shoe. As expected, the circle stayed the same. It was probably drawn with ink or paint.

Pride was holding up a piece of metal. There was a simple circle made out of blood on it but it immediately gained a reaction from a certain short tempered blonde.

"AL! Give him back!"

_That_ was his brother? No… Maybe I misinterpreted the sanity of this full metal guy. Maybe Pride meant "full mental brat" On closer inspection, I could see wisps of something. Thin tendrils that flummoxed and faded near the blood circle.

"Edward Elric. Didn't your parents teach you any manners? Oh wait. They're dead. Anyways, I'll give you this piece of junk if you make me the philosopher's stone."

The philosopher's stone existed in my world once but it mysteriously disappeared. I have never seen the power but I've heard it contained a very powerful Afrit. I don't like the look in Pride's eyes. He no longer wore the eye patch that hid an Ouroboros sign. He was letting out rotten feelings and false hope. He was still going to kill the kid's brother. At first I did not think much of that but I'm starting to get paranoid. Maybe I'm the one getting betrayed.

"Pride… You know that the philosopher's stone is made out of human lives. I don't have the… the material to make it!"

I was already running when I heard "made out of human lives" but Pride was ridiculously fast. If Envy's skill was changing identities, then maybe this guy's was speed. or something. He held a sword to my neck and dragged me into the circle. After shoving me to the ground he stabbed the sword through my guts, pinning me to the ground. I screamed in pain. Of course the sword had to be silver. The second it touched me, I knew I was going to die. My arms weren't even long enough to grab the hilt and pull the thing out of me.

"Just use Envy. Admit it, you were going to kill him anyway. He's killed more people than you can count. Don't you want to avenge your father(1)?" As Pride said so, he began scratching at the blood on the armor.

It's amazing that I lived this long. The pain was still there and my essence was at a dangerously low level, but I was still alive. The Ed guy clapped his hands and moved it down at an excruciatingly slow speed. Pride was as happy as can be.

"Brother don't!" said… the piece of armor? I could see the shadow of a boy, formed by the tendrils shooting out from the blood seal. Whatever it was shouted way too late.

The alchemy circle was shining, annoyingly bright, and Pride was cackling like a witch. The whole situation just pissed me off so much. I gathered my remaining strength and stared at Pride. Releasing all my killing intent in my gaze, Pride momentarily stopped laughing.

"I'm not Envy."

No, my memories didn't flash through my eyes. It would have at least taken an hour for that to happen. Still, the place I was in seemed similar to what you see in movies. Everything in this place is so white. There are way too many doors in this hallway. At the end of the hallway was a simple door. It was the only one that was labeled. Printed out in Times in New Roman font was, DEATH. I suppose I should go there. The other doors had chunky locks on them. You might think that after living for 5000 years, I would be content but I'm not. Why do you think I avoid the Shriveling Fire so much?

At some point, I heard something in the hallways. Every single noise uttered was paid back in echoes that rang for what seemed like miles. It sounded like a fire with screaming children inside. Voices speaking simple Latin. Crumbling buildings and falling trees. Frustratingly enough, whenever I faced the sound, it would stop. I resolved to walking backwards. When the noises stopped, I looked at the ground. There was absolutely nothing. I sighed and began to walk forward. Two huge doors appeared before. They held no locks and slowly swung inwards. You could see nothing but a black hole. I thought it might be Hell, but if it was, why bother vaguely labeling a door with just the word death?

Taking my chances, I dived in.

Normal POV

"And so, we meet again Edward Elric. You seemed to have made an… interesting friend."

"He's not my friend. Why am I here anyways? I was making the philosopher's stone. I see no need in meeting at the gate again."

"Whatever he is, he is not compatible with making the philosopher's stone."

"I've never heard of people being incompatible!"

"Look at it this way. You cannot make the philosopher's stones with the lives of a million fleas can you? Homunculi are human, even though they're incomplete. The trick with making the philosopher's stone is that it has to be made with lives of your own species. That guy who passed through here was not human at all."

"It still doesn't exactly answer why I'm here."

"You're experiencing an alchemy rebound. Not just any kind. A malfunction strong enough to send you through the gate. You'll probably die just by going through it."

"…Al…"

"It seems your friend has chosen your destination. An interesting choice indeed. It seems to be the only gateway that won't tear your molecules apart. Going through will still be extremely painful. You may have a chance at living after all. We would like to make a deal."

"I'm not making anymore fucked up deals with you. Besides, who's this 'we'?"

"If you remove the anomalies of that world, I'll give you your arm and leg back. If you can save the world past this gate, I will give your brother's body back. Your brother is safe for now but who knows what Pride will do later?"

"It sounds too good to be true. There has to be a catch."

"You're going to have to come back the same way so the Envy imposter will have to stay alive. Also, a day in that world equals an hour in your world. It's not going to be easy either. The only reason I'm being so lenient on the exchange is because she persuaded me to. Think of it as a scholarship."

" Who is this 'she'?"

The gate soundlessly opened. Tiny hands made of shadows grabbed Ed everywhere. He was quickly dragged through and could no longer see the Truth. He didn't expect an answer to the question anyways. It was dark. Until the pain hit him everywhere. It was like the pain of connecting nerves times 100 and continuously going for what seemed like forever.

Ed was finally carelessly tossed to the stone ground. He expertly rolled across the ground, his automail making small clinking sounds. The Room of Requirement faded behind him.

Bartimaeus had already popped out of the door a few minutes earlier than Ed. Luckily the halls were isolated and no one saw him. He followed the sound of young students chattering. Nathaniel's clothes fit in nicely with the other students. The robes weren't exactly the same but they were similar. For a second Bartimaeus thought he was back in his own world and that the magicians were having some sort of gathering in a castle. If only, he thought.

There was a lot of evidence concerning whether this world was the same as his or not. The magicians were too young and there were way too many of them. Many of them wore school uniforms but the youngest ones did not. They all wore robes though. Bartimaeus could only think it had to be an eccentric school. The floating candles insinuated that magic does exist in this world and what was going on the other planes were crazy. They weren't even solid images. Just flashes of color or something. The people had auras on the second plane. What it indicated, Bartimaeus did not know but he only saw one person without it.

He was suddenly grabbed on the shoulder.

"James Potter, you better not be planning another prank like last year," said an old lady. She was probably like 80 years old and had perfect posture. She fit the teacher look almost too perfectly.

"Umm… Who's James?" Bartimaeus said and turned around so she could get a better look at him.

"Oh! Pardon me. From behind you look similar to another student I had. Strange…I've never seen you in this school before. I must be getting old."

"I'm a transfer student, ma'am."

"I'm Mrs. McGonagall, ex-Headmistress of Hogwarts. If only James Potter could act as polite as you do. This is the last day I will be here for a long time. Say, where did you move from? I've been planning to travel around and I'm open to suggestions for places to go."

"I'm from Egypt. I love it there. Even the hot weather doesn't bother me."

"It must be quite different from the rolling hills of Ireland. You don't look like one who stays in the sun a lot."

"I've been living in London for a while now. Now I just look like a regular Englishman."

"I must be going before the new Headmistress finds out I'm here! She'll think I'm treating her like a child. She is very young and talented but she is a bit… Eccentric. I hope the teacher's will see her as the bright lady she is."

That was disaster, Bartimaeus thought. Fortunately, she didn't ask for a name. He decided that it was about time to change disguises. He made a robe exactly like the other students had. Not wanting to be mistaken as that James guy, he reverted to his Ptolemy figure. The new form stood out but if he kept his head facing down and stood in the background, no one would notice him.

Again, he was grabbed from behind. He felt the presence of anger and confusion from behind. He wasn't surprised to see Edward Elric choking him. He was surprised at the lady who appeared in front of him though. She had almost no curves and looked very stiff, like a human plank. Her hair was kept in a ponytail and she wore a witch's hat. Her dark purple dress was fringed with sparkles and swished with every stiff movement.

"What are you two doing? Fighting before the term has even started. And what are you wearing? That red robe is a violation of the School Uniform Policy. Didn't you get your uniforms yet?"

Ed stared blankly at the woman. He was about to say something when Bartimaeus interrupted him.

"We just transferred here and Ed here doesn't understand English. I don't know why "

"Hogwarts is a wonderful school but I'm afraid that Ed will have trouble learning if he doesn't know English."

"Well I don't know why he's going here. I barely even know him."

"So someone you barely knew just started to attack you."

"There's some bad blood between us."

The lady gave them a skeptical look before walking away.

"We need to get our stories straight," Bartimaeus said in Amestrian.

"The people here talk strange," Ed replied. He must have been too confused to remember that he was supposed to be beating up Bartimaeus.

"It's your language that's the strange one!"

"Both languages use the same writing system but the actual speaking of it is totally different."

"…Okay. I think I have it. You are transferring from Germany. You moved here last June. Your parents taught you how to write in English but they died before you could really grasp speaking the language and since they already paid the tuition, you ended up coming to this school. We don't know each other."

"You're not Envy are you? The philosopher's But you can change how you look. I saw while I was following you," Ed said with furrowed brows.

"Look, I just want to go back to my world. Don't look at me as if I'm you're my friend. I killed Envy in self defense and then Pride mistook me as him. I just went along with it because he happened to have a valuable piece of information that I need. I don't need you to blow my cover."

"Let's make a deal. You help me, I help you."

"You were just choking me a minute ago and now you want a truce?"

"We could revert back to us killing each other and getting nowhere."

"…Fine"

After what seemed like hours, the Headmistress finally began her speech. Bartimaeus was too lazy to really listen to it. He did notice that the Headmistress was actually the plank lady from before and was to be called Ms. Scott. Ed kept a contemplative face and made Bartimaeus translate everything.

The sorting system for each house was changed because the Sorting Hat was destroyed. Instead, students were to choose a from a blank deck of cards. The cards were like student IDs but they weren't really needed for anything other than sorting and borrowing library books. The front contains your name, room, age, and magical signature while the back was the crest of your house. Instead of having the witty songs, the cards had special effects that fit with the person holding it. For example, one hufflepuff's card burst out confetti and streamers.

Bartimaeus's POV

"The ID has a spell that makes it appear from one of your robe pockets so you can never lose it. Physically, it wouldn't be affected by a chainsaw but it is susceptible to magic. Students who irresponsibly tamper with their cards will be punished and fined. Are there any questions?" asked Ms. Scot.

I raised my hand. I was surprised to find that Ed and I were the only transfer students in the whole school. Ed was mumbling random junk like "this is impossible" and plenty of swear words. I almost felt bad for him.

"The transfer students weren't called."

"According to this sheet of enlisted students, there are no transfer students…If you really are a student of Hogwarts then you should be able to get an ID card." Ms. Scot gestured to the round table.

I walked forward while Ed hesitantly followed. Since I am a magical creature, the card should respond to me. Ed knows Alchemy but I am not sure if Alchemy equals Magic in this world.

I confidently snatched the card up which immediately broke into flames. I thought the fire was just a special effect since the fire didn't burn my hand. I ended up having to blow it out since it had not intention of burning out. One side of the card was partially burned and you could only see the 50 of my age(in actuality, I'm 5000 years old) and my picture was distorted. The other side had the Hogwarts insignia on it.

Before picking up the card, I heard the ominous clap resound off the walls. I hadn't really considered it before but Ed's alchemy is different from the others. Not just because he doesn't need to draw a circle but the aura surrounding his hands when he claps is strange. When Ed picked his card up, it erupted into blue lightning. Unlike mine, it contained his name and age. The back of the card was, once again, the Hogwarts insignia.

I flashed my card to Ms. Scot. "What does this mean?"

Ms. Scot frowned and whispered in someone's ear. She and the someone took out a pair of wands. They shouted "Stupefy!" but I had already knocked the table in front of me over for cover. I was impressed that Ed also sensed trouble and had also dodge rolled next to me. He was about to counterattack with alchemy but I knocked him out. It might not have been the best choice but if this school is anything like my world, alchemy is a dead art. If Ed gets caught, I'd have no way of getting out of here.

The best choice of action would probably be cooperative…

Ms. Scot was having the most bizarre day. It was only her first day when the school actually had students. She was unusually stiff because she had bad posture that was unbecoming of a headmistress. The suspicious transfer students obviously stood out to her. The Hogwarts system of obtaining students does not have any huge flaws. Certainly not one as big as missing transfer students. _That still does not explain how they got past the wards. Because of the increasing number of squibs and imposters, I tweaked the wards a bit so nobody unauthorized could get past. At all. Well I guess not at all since those two boys are obviously proof of mistakes I made. They would have to be experts in breaking in though. Well, I'll find out more during interrogations._

Ms. Scot was having fun. It was boorish hanging around the schooland avoiding paperwork. (A/N reminds you of a certain someone?) She was starting to reconsider her choice as Hogwarts headmistress. Not seriously but to the point she would almost encourage Peeve's mischief. She quickly checked the time. _The verisatum should be working by now. First off is to start with the Egyptian boy who knocked out his friend_.

Since there wasn't a real interrogation room at Hogwarts, they chose to discuss it in a classroom. No classes were taking place since it was already late in the evening.

"Who are you?" Ms. Scot tested.

"Kit. Kit Mandrake," the boy said in the tone of a certain British secret agent. _I wonder how Kitty and Nathaniel would react to me pretending to be their child?_ The thought made him smirk.

Ignoring him, the muggleborn teacher continued her questions.

"How did you get past the wards?"

"Magic. But not my own," Te once sarcastic voice was now nervous and higher than normal.

With a raised eyebrow, Ms. Scot asked for Kit to elaborate.

"The other kid that was with me. We met before in a small town in Germany. I had bought an illegal potion that allows you to suck magic power from the person who drinks it. He was already going to Hogwarts and by taking some of his magic, the wards certified me as a student of Hogwarts."

_That does explain why his ID card is messed up. It also might be why no transfer students _Ms. Scot reasoned.

"Where are your parents?"

"They both died and I had nowhere to go. I've heard my mom talk about Hogwarts and how amazing it is so I wanted to come here but I never received the letter so I decided to take Ed's magic."

"… How did you know that the blonde was going to Hogwarts?"

"We were neighbors. Just acquaintances really. My mom had come to Germany for an Archaeology dig. Her job is to look for artifacts and observe if they have any magical properties. My dad was already dead then. Killed by a 'misfired' shot from the Ministry."

"Why would you take his magic then? That's almost the same as murder here!"

"Revenge. Besides, it's not like I took out every drop in his magical reservoir. I mean the ID card still came up with the same card as me."

"Revenge for what?"

"**As if this story full of poppycock is true," **the boy said in a foreign language while laughing darkly. It was a mistake to wait till later to interrogate Bartimaeus. For once, he was prepared. The verisatum caught him off guard but it didn't effect him. _Probably because I'm not human._ Still, it was hard to pretend he was under some truth serum.

Ms. Scot reflected on the boy's retorts. They sounded well rehearsed and the changing of languages caught her off guard. She caught the glare that he was giving her and reciprocated with one of her own. _If he could speak another language, why would he talk in a language we could understand?_ Her head was getting awfully muddled she felt like she was going to pass out. She had suspicions that "Kit" was casting a foreign spell that only needed eye contact. Still, she was able to grab her wand but before she could even open her mouth, a huge ruckus made outside made her lose her concentration and she fell victim to the charm.

Ed's POV

Groggy and hurt, I woke up with one thing in mind.

I am going to kill… what was his name again? Well that doesn't matter right now. All I know is that he's dead meat.

I tried to move my arms and legs and soon gave up. I could barely even turn my head in the condition I was in. How am I being bound by nothing! It doesn't make sense.

The guard noticed that I was awake. He came over and pointed a stick at me. A very fancy and polished stick. The first thing that came into mind was before I was betrayed by fake Envy and being shot by some type of concentrated energy that came directly out of it. The man quietly mumbled a couple of words and my face was free from the uncomfortable bind. He was huge and hairy with a few graying hairs and a cozy head of hair.

His large hand was going right toward my head and his eyes had a look of kindness. Fear of being pet and angry for being treated like a child, I chomped on his outreached hand. What followed was a very loud struggle, resulting in overturned desks and chairs.

It was then that the strict lady and traitorous bastard came out of the room.


End file.
